Caramel Caravan: Group 5

Clark's Coffee Caramel

*** / Coffee Drinkers Only

Those who know me are well aware that my lips won't touch a cup of coffee until I am aged 35 years. Just a personal pact I made to myself long ago. Regardless, this unbreakable vow doesn't stop me from sampling "coffee flavored" goodies. Just a disclaimer that perhaps I am the wrong mortal to judge coffee flavors. Well...here we go. Clark's Coffee Caramel certainly had me guessing with its wood lacquer finish color, but the second my teeth began the initial chew, a coffee aroma blew up in my mouth. I immediately felt like I was on the set of a Folger's commercial. I suppose I was expecting something similar to Kahlua, but this caramel certainly delivers what I guess is an authentic coffee flavor, which resonates for quite some time, only fading towards the final chews. While I don't mind if I don't chew another piece, it receives three stars, for I'm betting coffee lovers will want to pop these on their mouth to fight the cravings.  

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Hakodate Milk Caramel

** / Bottle Fed Flavor 

One of two "Hakodate Milk Caramel," this particular incarnation provides the expected, despite it's unusual bread crust color. A salivating pleasant milkyness enters my mouth like I'm a toddler suckling a bottle. The milk flavor is strong enough that I'd recommend this candy to compliment a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Though it receives a mere 2 stars for milk caramel is a common sight in Japan. 

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Hakodate Milk  Caramel

** / Milkshake Surprise

The 2nd of two Hakodate Milk caramels has the expected milk color, though the flavor is quite a surprise. Instead of milk, you're reminded of a vanilla extract infested milkshake. I'm quite the Vanilla fiend, but it certainly an overdose which sadly knocks this fun caramel down to 2 stars.

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Shio Ramen Caramel

* / The Coward

Having loved the 'Soup Curry Caramel,'  I had high hopes for this salt-flavored (shio) ramen caramel.  Well if there is any flavor here, it's yellow. Talk about a coward! If there was any ramen flavor, it was merely residue running miles away. My taste buds eagerly searched for flavor, but came up empty tongued.

Caramel Caravan: Group 6

Butter Caramel

* / Butter Me Boring

While the color of sawdust, this butter caramel is as hard as wood. Unlike the other butter caramel, this one has a melted aroma too it, but almost tastes as if it's burnt. Nonetheless, this is nothing more than buttery boredom.

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White Pudding Caramel

*** / Vanilla Me Silly

With the appropriate color, this white pudding caramel instantly delivers a vanilla pudding sensation. Though after a few chews, the vanilla overwhelms the pudding, and you're left with a milk-heavy vanilla flavor similar to the Hakodate milk caramel. Though, overall, this is an enjoyable candy for all ages.

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Cocoa Caramel

** / The Pretender

Looks like chocolate, but tastes like plastic. This fake chocolate flavor may dazzle a few, but in a league with fascinating caramel varieties, this one gets left behind.

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Winter Caramel

* / Ice Hard

Not entirely certain what flavor this caramel is supposed to be. According to a friend, the kanji used means winter. Though tastewise, this is nothing but standard-fare delivering the typical milk flavor. Sadly, it's within a hard shell branding this caramel with 1 star.

Caramel Caravan: Group 7

Cherry Blossom Caramel

*** / Blast from the Past

You can't help but be skeptic over a brandname such as Bambi. But there's a reason brand name juggernuts like Reese's, and M&M's have conquered the competition: they're tasty! Which is why I'm certain I've seen this Hokkaido based brand on the main island of Honshu. I'm not one to eat flowers, so this Sakura (cherry blossom) flavored caramel was alien to me. Though the second it sat on my tongue, I felt at home. It tasted just like a strawberry Brach's Milk Maid Royal, which just happens to forever be a candy dear to my heart. In fact, it's so good, I couldn't stop popping them in my mouth while writing this review. If you like a sweet berry-ish caramel, hook up with this fine piece of confectionary!

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Milk Caramel

* / Ehh

Yes, another milk caramel. Besides being abnormally hard, that's all I have to say about this cliched caramel.

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Strawberry Caramel

*** / Ripeness

I'm a sucker for sweet, and this Bambi Strawberry licked me away. At first a smoothie comes to mind, but then authentic strawberry flavors appear. And before you know it this sugary treat melts in your mouth faster than the Wicked Witch. It's high level of sweetness may keep repeated chews at bay, but this certainly ranks in the top 5. If I didn't use a 3 star system, this one would surely earn 999.

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Chocolate Caramel

*** / Tootsierific

Sadly, Tootsie Rolls are not sold in Japan. Luckily, Bambi's Chocolate Caramels are. Except for the final chews will give off a skunky chocolate aftertaste, one can only taste "tootsie rolls" during this fun filled adventure. Though one looking for caramel flavor should chew elsewhere.

Fashion Backward

While, London and Paris may think they lead the world in fashion, I beg to differ. The Japanese got fashion down to a science. While not sporting chiseled greek builds, or family sized rear ends, the Japanese don't necessarily have "out of this world" features to work with. But what they do have is style. While in Japan, my eyes have been treated to quite a workout. Back in America, I passed checking out 75% of the population. Pink sweatpants with matching wristbands and earrings large enough for a circus tiger to leap through is not fashion. I'm also convinced that Asians as a whole, specifically Japanese women, are the most beautiful on this planet. Remember, "it's not what you wear, it's how you wear it." The Japanese can mix and match styles, hats, stockings, and skirts like it's no one's business. A forty year old woman can walk the streets in high heel boots tickling her knees, silver glittery stockings, and a jean miniskirt while looking like a model citizen. While in America, male driven vehicles would slow down to ask, "How much?"

So when I attended a fellow English teacher's high school festival, I jumped at the chance to check out the fashion design club. Though what I saw slammed my non-existent keister onto the floor. These designs were like Easter mixed with Cirque Du Soleil and a smidgen of death. I just hope that the future clothes wearers of Japan stick to the threads sold in stores, and not those in these designs. As a "Project Runway" fan, Tim Gunn would surely be saying "make it work." But, these designs sure are fun! Enjoy.

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Englishanese: Round 14

MOORIFIC

The city of Hakodate is cow-crazy.

Cow Cake?


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Moo Moo White
Milk Flavored Soda? I wouldn't dare try it.


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Moo Moo Taxi
This taxi milked us for everything we had.

Englishanese: Round 13

J-POP (The Soda Sort)

Cherry Blossom Flavored Soda
It was nice. That's all I have to say about that.


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Love Mode Ginger

Viagra Juice for Red Heads


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Guarana Soda

So strange to see a Brazilian flavor featured so prominently. Then again, Brazil - Japan shares a weird co-existence.


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FANTA U.S.A. HIP-HOP
Jay-Z approved?

HOLIDAZE: MAMEMAKI

"Why did Snoopy quit the comic strip? Because he was tired of working for peanuts."

Peanuts are not just for squirrels, as humanoids alike rejoice over their natural flavor. For instance, the Roadhouse bar and restaurant chain beckons patrons to grab a handful of salty peanuts from the barrel and toss the shells at will on the dirtied floor. But imagine if you could chuck whole peanuts at say your father, or even your math teacher? Welcome to Japan, and say hello to Setsubun!

Just call me your "Nutty Buddy"

節分, Setsubun, meaning "seasonal division" marks the beginning of each season. Though, we're more interested in 立春, Risshun, occuring on February 3 and welcomes approaching Spring. Formerly, this day was seen as New Year's Eve. Included in the celebration is an ancient ritual where the Japanese cleanse themselves of all evil but more specifically ward off evil spirits in the coming year. Called 豆撒き, mamemaki, entailed the throwing of fuku mame, roasted soybeans at the head of the household who was appropriately adorned as an Oni, a Japanese demon or ogre. The throwers will shout, 鬼は外! 福は内!, Oni wa soto! Fuku wa uchi!, meaning "Evil out, and happiness in!" Though more recently peanuts have replaced soybeans. Across Japan, students will chuck peanuts at their homeroom teachers, while others will visit shrines, and even celebrities such as Sumo wrestlers will get involved in the peanut throwing. While, not a national holiday, Setsubun is a cultural tradition, and if I may say a wonderful excuse to hurl food at a loved one!

My Girlfriend: The Demon

Sources / Further Reading:
Wikipedia
About.Com

Holidaze: Overview

Holidays are a universal pleasure. People join together in cultural traditions, or simply lazily enjoy a day of repreive from working the cash register at Wal-Mart. In fact, some customs or traditions are so important that even the US government sets aside special federal holidays to observe them. Japan, is no different. Though one receives a bird's eye view into the culture and nature of a country by examining its holidays.

While America allots 10 federal holidays each year, Japan awards its citizens with 15 (not including bank holidays). While it may seem that Japan has taken a more laisez-faire approach to work; it's simply the opposite. Either for that post Super Bowl hangover, or a family vacation to Disney World, Americans utilize each and every one of their vacation days. Though the Japanese are less prone to taking advantage of their ねんきゅ (nenkyu / official vacation days). Therefore, federal holidays are a blessing and award the Japanese with a guilt-free day of relaxation or travel. Interestingly, Japan even blocks together groups of holidays in order to promote extended vacations. For example, early May is 'Golden Week' with three consecutive holidays (Constitution Memorial Day, Greenery Day, and Children's Day). In addition, any day that falls between two holidays is called こくみんのきゅうじつ (kokumin no kyūjitsu / citizen's day) and becomes a holiday. This occured recently in September of 2009, with 'Silver Week' where the Japanese enjoyed three consecutive holidays.

Born and raised American, each year I look forward to several cultural celebrations including Halloween, St. Patricks Day, and Easter. Though outside of Thanksgiving and Christmas, American federal holidays seldom coincide with these celebrations. The same is true with Japan, as they to have several celebrations coinciding with Chinese, shinto, buddhist tradition, or American-infusions such as Valentines Day.

Though the personalities of each country shine through looking the nature of the holidays. America, a relatively young nation, allots most of of their days to respecting or preserving historical dates and figures. For example, Columbus Day, Washington's birthday and Martin Luther King Jr. Day are set aside to observe and respect instrumental figures in American history. In a sense, American holidays seem dull and dry and fail to recognize the true culture of modern society.

Japan also pays homage to its history with National Foundation Day, Shōwa Day, Constitution Memorial Day, and the Emperor's Birthday. Although several days are used to respect one another and to connect with nature. For example, Coming of Age Day, Children's Day, and Respect for the Aged Day are not 'Hallmark' holidays but rather a special time to spend time with or commemorate groups of people. Other days such as the Vernal and Autumnal Equinox, Sea Day, Greenery Day, Sports Day show Japan's oneness with nature.

I can't help but give Japan the win when it comes to holidays. While I agree that individuals such as Columbus, Washington, and King Jr. are worthy of praise, I'd rather sick with monuments or 'unofficial' observances. A country that prides itself on diversity doesn't even have a holiday devoted to culture, unlike Japan a country notorious for its homogenous population.


2010 JAPAN PUBLIC HOLIDAYS

1月1日
Shogatsu
New Year's Day

1月11日
Seijin no hi
Coming of Age Day

2月11日
Kenkoku kinenbi
National Foundation Day

3月21日
Shunbun no hi
Spring Equinox

4月29日
Shōwa no hi
Shōwa Day

5月3日
Kenpou kinenbi
Constitution Memorial Day

5月4日
Midori no hi
Greenery Day

5月5日
Kodomo no hi
Children's Day

7月19日
Umi no Hi
Sea Day

9月20日
Keirou no hi
Respect for the Aged Day

9月23日
Shuubun no hi
Autumn Equinox

10月11日
Taiiku no hi
Sports Day

11月3日
Bunka no hi
Culture Day

11月23日
Kinrou kansha no hi
Labor Thanksgiving Day

12月23日
Tennou tanjoubi
Emperor's Birthday

Source:

WIKIPEDIA: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Public_holidays_in_Japan

Express Yourself

"One must not be mean with the affections; what is spent of the fund is renewed in the spending itself."

- Sigmud Freud

Japan is flooded with vending machines full of curious liquids. But the islanders of the Orient don’t limit themselves to beverages, as they specialize in bottling their affections for one another. While in America, PDA, Puke-ish Displays of Affection, can get quite out of hand, my eyes wouldn't mind spying some cutesy cheek kisses, a slow motion back pat, or even a dreaded HUG!

Some will argue that this is not the way of the Japanese, but those who think such things are stupid. Humans have emotions, and we need to allow these emotions to go outside and play with others to forge a strong, safe, and economically viable neighborhood.

Today while laboriously pretending to look laborious, I saw something. I was gluing cut out pictures of ‘Before/After’ weight loss pictures to my Magazine Ad Scrapbook when something arrived in the coffee corner. In fact, two things arrived. Two ladies to be exact, and who just happen to be the school’s most smoking specimens: the gym teacher and the janitor. No joke! In America, those two jobs would be filled by overweight, single mother, post-divorce, screw the world (literally), or dykish (they are often too ugly to be referred to as lesbians) type of loser. But here in Japan, oh boy are they niiiiiiiiice! In fact, they are so cute I just want to encase them in a plastic bubble and glue it to a cardboard backing to hang ‘em off a hook in a toy store.

It is a known fact to anyone with male anatomy, that the gym teacher and the janitor are friends. Just as the hotties with bodies stick together in America, they also follow this trend in Japan. Normally these two just snicker, chuckle, and flicker their eye-lashes at one other. But not today. Having returned from winter vacation, it had been quite a spell since our divine beauties had seen each other. So when the gym teacher realized she was standing in front of the janitor (perhaps she was occupied glancing at my laboriousness), she jumped up and down with her feet never leaving the ground, and her smile grew to the size of a mutant banana. She was exploding with emotion but with no vent to escape she imploded in a static fright. She wanted to share her emotions with her sexy mop carrying friend, but realizing they were Japanese, she couldn’t. Even the heavens knew a hug was in order. I swear I saw a shadow of one forming before it dissipated into a trail of lonely dust. So instead the bubbly gym teacher hit the janitor. Yep. Instead of a kiss, rub, pat, hug, or pillow fight, her fist rode an invisible wave of wind and smacked the custodial engineer in the arm. It was an unbearable sight and immediately I rushed for a tissue. How can Japan be so cruel? Why can’t two mature adults, in this case gorgeous women, physically express their affections while I munch on Ritz crackers?

It’s depressing to think that these ladies and all of Japan’s ladies (even the ugly ones) will forever be forced to bottle up their emotions. But they’re not the only ones losing out, what about the fellas? Of course we want to see women bond together in a moment of expressive physical harmony. It just boggles my mind that a Japanese woman will spend hours assembling the cutest outfit, masking her already beautiful face in a mirage of makeup, and even on the train still sits in front of a mirror applying foundation to make herself feel important, but we can’t even allow her to feel comfortable enough to hug her friend?

Though, I’m not one to complain. I’m one that creates solutions. So when you see me in a local Uni-Qlo or any other fine Japanese retailer, please assist me in choosing the perfect jean-skirt, stockings, and knee-high boots. Because I’m going in. I will become a woman, be-friend other women, and then yes that’s right, I will show my ‘plutonic’ affections for them with a little PDA baby, but wait..as I finish typing, I can hear whispers crawling out from the copy room. Those quiet words are owned by the gym teacher and the janitor. Perhaps they have vacationed to a more private location to showcase their love for one another? If this is the case, I’m happy for them, and can’t wait to install a video camera.

Bless Me

Life abroad isn't easy to adjust too. But that's what makes it fun. With each encounter, you not only pickup something new but you're able to re-evaluate your native culture. Though forget language, food and holidays, the major differences between cultures rest within simple everyday things. For example, adjusting from the western handshake to bowing in Japan. While, I've obeyed the "When in Rome" creed, there is one stateside custom I refuse to abandon.

In America, when family, friends, or even the perverted crossing guard sneezes, we bestow upon them good faith by saying "Bless You," "God Bless You" (guilt-ridden sinners), or "Gesundheit" (morons). But if you dare to neglect performing this selfless public gesture, then prepare to meet your doom. According to a study I made up, 21.8% of all divorce cases can be traced to a spouse refusing to properly "bless" the other.

Though, it pains me, like a bag of full of black jelly beans, to inform you that the Japanese have no equivalent. Like most native wildlife, blessings are no where to be found in Japan. Sure, they'll take off their shoes, ask permission to begin eating, and will even bring you strange little tarts from EVERY PLACE they visit, but don't expect a gram of sympathy when your antibodies ready for war.

Instead of moral support following a sneeze, the Japanese instead adorn a medical mask and sneer at you until you act like a monkey and copy them. Sure it makes sense to prevent the spreading of germs, but it lacks love. And I am one mountain of a lovely man!

But don't be afraid, 'Bless You Man' is here to make a crappy attempt to save the day!

In the hallway, when a student ejects the boogers... "Bless you!"

In the office when a co-worker eight desks down nasally vomits... "Bless you!"

In the adjacent bathroom stall a guy sneezes... "BLESS YOU!"

According to fantasy stats, I'm shooting 96% accuracy within a 1km range. Metrically speaking, that ain't too shabby! Though sadly, my determination is often met with light chuckling, and not one Japanese person has stepped forward with a bless you of their own. And believe me, I blow into those tissues like a Nazi blowing up a kosher deli. While my comrads may view me as stubbornly wasting my time, they are simply blind to the potential of a fully integrated blessing system.

But today reality came sloshing down like boogers from a sick child. An hour before lunch my stomach was growling to be fed. Hearing the gastric cries my supervisor turned to me and said, "Bless you."

Exactly... "bless me!"