Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Express Yourself

"One must not be mean with the affections; what is spent of the fund is renewed in the spending itself."
- Sigmud Freud

Japan is flooded with vending machines full of curious liquids. But the islanders of the Orient don’t limit themselves to beverages, as they specialize in bottling their affections for one another. While in America, PDA, Puke-ish Displays of Affection, can get quite out of hand, my eyes wouldn't mind spying some cutesy cheek kisses, a slow motion back pat, or even a dreaded HUG!

Some will argue that this is not the way of the Japanese, but those who think such things are stupid. Humans have emotions, and we need to allow these emotions to go outside and play with others to forge a strong, safe, and economically viable neighborhood.

Today while laboriously pretending to look laborious, I saw something. I was gluing cut out pictures of ‘Before/After’ weight loss pictures to my Magazine Ad Scrapbook when something arrived in the coffee corner. In fact, two things arrived. Two ladies to be exact, and who just happen to be the school’s most smoking specimens: the gym teacher and the janitor. No joke! In America, those two jobs would be filled by overweight, single mother, post-divorce, screw the world (literally), or dykish (they are often too ugly to be referred to as lesbians) type of loser. But here in Japan, oh boy are they niiiiiiiiice! In fact, they are so cute I just want to encase them in a plastic bubble and glue it to a cardboard backing to hang ‘em off a hook in a toy store.

It is a known fact to anyone with male anatomy, that the gym teacher and the janitor are friends. Just as the hotties with bodies stick together in America, they also follow this trend in Japan. Normally these two just snicker, chuckle, and flicker their eye-lashes at one other. But not today. Having returned from winter vacation, it had been quite a spell since our divine beauties had seen each other. So when the gym teacher realized she was standing in front of the janitor (perhaps she was occupied glancing at my laboriousness), she jumped up and down with her feet never leaving the ground, and her smile grew to the size of a mutant banana. She was exploding with emotion but with no vent to escape she imploded in a static fright. She wanted to share her emotions with her sexy mop carrying friend, but realizing they were Japanese, she couldn’t. Even the heavens knew a hug was in order. I swear I saw a shadow of one forming before it dissipated into a trail of lonely dust. So instead the bubbly gym teacher hit the janitor. Yep. Instead of a kiss, rub, pat, hug, or pillow fight, her fist rode an invisible wave of wind and smacked the custodial engineer in the arm. It was an unbearable sight and immediately I rushed for a tissue. How can Japan be so cruel? Why can’t two mature adults, in this case gorgeous women, physically express their affections while I munch on Ritz crackers?

It’s depressing to think that these ladies and all of Japan’s ladies (even the ugly ones) will forever be forced to bottle up their emotions. But they’re not the only ones losing out, what about the fellas? Of course we want to see women bond together in a moment of expressive physical harmony. It just boggles my mind that a Japanese woman will spend hours assembling the cutest outfit, masking her already beautiful face in a mirage of makeup, and even on the train still sits in front of a mirror applying foundation to make herself feel important, but we can’t even allow her to feel comfortable enough to hug her friend?

Though, I’m not one to complain. I’m one that creates solutions. So when you see me in a local Uni-Qlo or any other fine Japanese retailer, please assist me in choosing the perfect jean-skirt, stockings, and knee-high boots. Because I’m going in. I will become a woman, be-friend other women, and then yes that’s right, I will show my ‘plutonic’ affections for them with a little PDA baby, but wait..as I finish typing, I can hear whispers crawling out from the copy room. Those quiet words are owned by the gym teacher and the janitor. Perhaps they have vacationed to a more private location to showcase their love for one another? If this is the case, I’m happy for them, and can’t wait to install a video camera.

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