How Stupid am I?

There's no need to say it, as the answer arrived today. Folks, I'm 'as stupid is as stupid does.'

Since living in Japan, Aomori Ginkgo (bank) has been my official money holder. Japanese banking is straight forward and user friendly. Except for ATMs. With each bank being regional, one can only dispense the cash in his/her respective area. Which explains Japan as a cash society. Thus, I've grown comfortable carrying upwards of 100,000 yen ($1,000) on a daily basis.

But that cash has to come from somewhere. Consequently, I have made countless trips to my local branch, conveniently located a mere 5 minutes away. Though this was when the sun was winning the battle and I could ride my bicycle. But then the snow invaded. What was once a joy ride has morphed into a 20-minute slip'n'slide as my clumsy tries to navigate across the slippery snow and ice. Oh and I forgot to mention you have to get there before 6pm to avoid a surcharge. That's okay though, considering you get there before 9pm when every single ATM shuts down. Thus, due to the bank's location I have had to forego many a lunch break, and cancel plans knowing full well I wouldn't reach the ATM in time.

Then there was today. During lunch to be exact. I decided to take my usual stroll to CO-OP, the neighborhood grocery store located within a 60 second journey from work and home. I'm not sure how it happened, but it did. Stepping across the yellow lined pavement, I froze. There, across the parking lot was Aomori Ginkgo's logo. 'Why is that there?' my subconscious must have thought. 'BECAUSE IT'S AN ATM YOU STUPID IDIOT!' responded Sense, Common Sense.
Talk about a sad realization for my intelligence, but a happy ending for my body, and social life. I can't wait to find an excuse to take out money.

APPLE DAY

Now I've heard of 'An apple an day..." but this is ridiculous. Regardless, today was a special day for Aomori prefecture, as they chose to open their wallets. What did they spend it on? Tax incentives? Nope. Bribing business to set up shop? Nope. Poorly developed tourist traps? Nope. Instead they did the honorable thing, they spent it on the children. Every student enrolled in an Aomori public school, elementary through high school, received a present. A book, paper, pens, condoms? Nope. Instead they received apples. Four of them to be exact.

The children need the apples, I guess. Or rather the apple farmers, since Aomori's claim to fame are their luscious thick apples. Throughout the year they are hidden away in special blue bags before they ripen for the taste buds. These diva ringo tachi (apples) are so exquisite they come in protective styrofoam wrapping. If there is but one scratch or scar it must be sold at a discount with the other disabled apples. Speaking of which, the apples the students got didn't look all that dandy. Aomori better be careful with dishing out those retarded fruits, as the saying goes, "you are what you eat."

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Q: 'What do you do for a living?'

A: 'I deliver apples.'

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I Love Box

presenting the goods

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Apples Galore

Doctors are everywhere but near.

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Bag Man

He loves those apples!

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Caution: May Bite

I prefer my apples naked.

They've Got VD

When it comes to material romance, America is not alone. February 14th also marks Japan's celebration of Valentines Day. But instead of a cash cow for flowers and Hallmark, chocolate companies hold the monopoly. And did I mention that only girls buy the gifts? That's right, talk about equality. Tradition dictates that only males are to receive the oishi (delicious) chocolates. But that's not even the best part. You don't even have to be sleeping with someone. In addition to the romantic gift, women are obliged to dish out plutonic gifts to friends, neighbors, and co-workers. There's no need to feel lonely in this country.

By now, your feminist veins are boiling. Simmer down because the chocolate companies aren't done yet. Just like the Hallmark created Grandparents, Nurses, and I Wet the Bed Day, they have spawned 'White Day.' Personally this has been a long time coming. Though I'm sorry to say it has nothing to do with the great race of the same name. Instead, 'White Day' is the reverse of Valentines Day. Yes ladies, you get your turn. And even though the unspoken rule is that men should double the chocolate/gift given to them, this is brilliance in its purest form. Got a cheap girlfriend? No problem. Even if your lady splurged, you still received a stellar gift. Plus, at least there is a realistic expectation. Women in America have taken over Valentines Day and instead of embracing a man's heart they send it to the hospital over the stress and confusion. Luckily, I've never been in a committed relationship during Valentines Day, until now. I thoroughly enjoyed my lady's delicious brownies, not to mention the cute frosting Engrish sayings, "Eat Me Cravak," and "I miss you." Obviously, I will go well beyond a double batch of brownies, and I'm happy to know what to work with. In fact, I'm so thrilled I have no qualms in censorilly saying, "F*** you American VD, I'm in love with another country's holiday."

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FREE CHOCOLATE!

Gifts I received from co-workers and students.

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Personalized

Crave likes brownies!

Desk Friends

When you're 8,821 kilometers (5,481 miles) away from home, it's easy to feel lonely. Especially when everyone you work with speaks a language you can't quite comprehend.
Enter the solution: The Desk Friends!

One of my role models in high school was Mr. 'Marv' Matteson. I relished the assortment of playthings adorning his desk. So naturally, when I inherited an office during my teaching tenure in Florida, I had no choice but to innocently decorate the place. Hulk Hogan, Wolverine, elephants, giant pandas and clown hats flooded the room. These 'toys' certainly made me feel comfortable.

Though, being limited to two suitcases, I was sadly unable to bring my childhood to Japan. But not to worry folks, as I have been recently acquiring an assortment of goodies to make the workplace feel like home. While there are currently only three 'desk friends,' plans are in motion to upgrade the ensemble.

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The Desk
For 7 1/2 hours a day I sit here stalking you on Facebook.


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Ochiai Jr.
Named in honor of my supervisor, this brave soldier is always ready to 'throw down' to protect General Crave's computer. I felt it was important to assert my war-mongering American attitude to my peace loving co-workers. Though, to ease the tension I placed an orange flower atop his gun.


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Kazikame
I picked up this 'Star War's' Salacious Crumb bean bag toy for a mere 105 yen ($1) at Hard Off. Recently he has inspired the character of 'Kazikame' for my upcoming childrens' fantasy book 'GOULD.'

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Mr. Numa

Given my recent studies of mythological creatures, I am drowning in love for the 'Kappa.' Japan's resident demonic water sprite lurks by the 'numa,' an eerie pond, thus the name for this kawaii (cute) little critter. He's a happy addition to my Kappa halloween costume, and if anyone spies mythological creature paraphernalia, please pick it up for me and I'll gladly reimburse your efforts. Thanks in advance!


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Snack Man Cometh

Omiyage (little gift / souvenir) is a must for your co-workers, neighbors, family and friends when returning from a vacation. Though sometimes a random gesture can go a long way into building a positive relationship. And when it comes to receiving, the Japanese prefer nothing more than a tasty snack.

Over the course of the past few weeks the 3-nensei (12th grade) students have been busy applying to their dream college. Part of their application includes English essays, and this is where I come in. One of the 3-nensei English teachers has been 'dropping by' to unload these essays for me to peruse/check/devour/edit/spit-on/revise. Though I must say, I'm happy to read them and guide the students towards not only comprehensive writing but also enjoyable writing. But this extraordinarily kind man must feel that grading these essays is a terrible burden. For each time he arrives, I am bestowed upon with a flurry of snacks. While I don't need such a tasty reward, I must admit, this guy knows snack food! I've enjoyed every morsel he’s delivered. Probably because none of them contained that strange red bean paste. I sure do hope those kids keep writing.

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Tasty Critter
I have no clue what this was, but tasty it was.


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Best Description Ever
My first 'capcake.' Certainly won't be the last.


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Misleading
At first I read this as 'Douche,' and made my way to the ladies room.

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Englishanese: Round 10

Beer Shampoo

I can't think of a better place for some suds.

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MARIMOKKORI DRINK

Who doesn't want to slurp down apple juice from the famed character who forever sports an erection.

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Black Love Incense

In a society filled with Japanese people, who is this product being marketed to?

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F Cup Cookie
A cookie a day, keeps the tissues in my bra away. When I bought this, my girlfriend wondered if it was for her.

Time to Shine

The Mid Year Seminar is a collaborative conference between Aomori-Ken assistant language teachers and their corresponding Japanese Teachers of English. Guest speakers, workshops, snack food, and bored doodling comprises most of the festivities. Though, on Friday, November 21st, yours truly had time to shine.

Each year, one ALT must showcase their teaching in a class demonstration. Rather than chose a 2nd or 3rd year high school ALT, I was involuntarily given the nod. This equates to over 60 educators watching me teach a 50-minute lesson to one of the 1-nensei (first year/10th grade) classes. But, instead of projecting negativity at the ensuing pressure I used the platform as an opportunity. One to showcase all things Crave!

Cravak Sensei

Reviewing the word wall results.

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Group Work

Students attempt not to fall asleep while engaging in a travel-themed conversation game.

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Making the Rounds

Pretending to add to their discussion, I place myself on display.

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Big Brother

Students are under the watchful gaze of half-interested observers.

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Post Discussion

Eventually I had to shutup to allow others to speak.

A TRAVELING SALESMAN

While America continues to rock the anti-soliticing movement, Japan embraces it. Apparently, the education world we are in the middle of book ordering season. I gotta a tell ya, what a treat. This equates to a flurry of Japanese businessmen and one woman hurriedly scampering around the world politely and persistently wasting everyone`s time with their sales pitch. This one guy bows so much he's gonna get punched in the groin. No doubt.

Basically here's the rundown.

1.) The office door slowly slides open

2.) A suited-up nervous man stands in the doorway

3.) He mutters some incoherent ancient polite phrase

4.) He takes a few steps forward, then turns around, comes back, looks around (this pitter pattering can go on for nearly 30 minutes)

5.) He locates his target and dips into his bag of books

6.) He stands to the side of the desk waiting for the right opportunity to strike

7.) When all is clear he'll say 'Gomenosai / Sumimasen (I'm sorry / Excuse me)' and the most pathetic salesmenship begins

8.) The business card. This takes a minimum of five minutes. For even though the teacher doesn't have time to hear this bullshit they will out of respect closely examine the salesmen's card.

9.) Then they talk in Japanese or some other language I don't understand. These guys seriously look like they have to use the bathroom as they squiggle about and frantically bow while explaining their text materials. Instead of a night on the town, candies, or even a happy ending they simply provide a thunderous supply of sample texts. How productively boring!

10.) Then pretending they're Michael Jackson they moonwalk away from the desk while bowing. Now that is a talent.

11.) They continue the epic moonwalk to the office door, give a polite bow, mutter some jargon and they vanish...until they show up 4 minutes later to attack another teacher.

12.) Ridiculous!

The table next to me is completely covered in sample books. My supervisor even just said, 'I'm a text collector.' I'm thinking we need to have a bonfire soon.

Soliticing = convenience....and if it is wazurawashii (annoying) simply laugh at it!

AROUND THE TOWN: School Bound

The following pictures were taken on Wednesday, January 28th, 2009 at 7:35am while enduring my arduous 500 foot journey to work. Enjoy?

this is a building...I sleep here

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on my way


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getting close


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March of the Students


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arrived: my place of employment

Patience is a Virtue

Howdy! As I spent the last three weeks invading South East Asia, the regularity of the posts have gone extinct. Though while most of my time will be spent producing a DVD of my trip, look for future entries within the next couple of weeks. Take care, and god bless!

- Crave