Englishanese: Round 14

MOORIFIC

The city of Hakodate is cow-crazy.

Cow Cake?


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Moo Moo White
Milk Flavored Soda? I wouldn't dare try it.


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Moo Moo Taxi
This taxi milked us for everything we had.

Englishanese: Round 13

J-POP (The Soda Sort)

Cherry Blossom Flavored Soda
It was nice. That's all I have to say about that.


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Love Mode Ginger

Viagra Juice for Red Heads


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Guarana Soda

So strange to see a Brazilian flavor featured so prominently. Then again, Brazil - Japan shares a weird co-existence.


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FANTA U.S.A. HIP-HOP
Jay-Z approved?

HOLIDAZE: MAMEMAKI

"Why did Snoopy quit the comic strip? Because he was tired of working for peanuts."

Peanuts are not just for squirrels, as humanoids alike rejoice over their natural flavor. For instance, the Roadhouse bar and restaurant chain beckons patrons to grab a handful of salty peanuts from the barrel and toss the shells at will on the dirtied floor. But imagine if you could chuck whole peanuts at say your father, or even your math teacher? Welcome to Japan, and say hello to Setsubun!

Just call me your "Nutty Buddy"

節分, Setsubun, meaning "seasonal division" marks the beginning of each season. Though, we're more interested in 立春, Risshun, occuring on February 3 and welcomes approaching Spring. Formerly, this day was seen as New Year's Eve. Included in the celebration is an ancient ritual where the Japanese cleanse themselves of all evil but more specifically ward off evil spirits in the coming year. Called 豆撒き, mamemaki, entailed the throwing of fuku mame, roasted soybeans at the head of the household who was appropriately adorned as an Oni, a Japanese demon or ogre. The throwers will shout, 鬼は外! 福は内!, Oni wa soto! Fuku wa uchi!, meaning "Evil out, and happiness in!" Though more recently peanuts have replaced soybeans. Across Japan, students will chuck peanuts at their homeroom teachers, while others will visit shrines, and even celebrities such as Sumo wrestlers will get involved in the peanut throwing. While, not a national holiday, Setsubun is a cultural tradition, and if I may say a wonderful excuse to hurl food at a loved one!

My Girlfriend: The Demon

Sources / Further Reading:
Wikipedia
About.Com

Holidaze: Overview

Holidays are a universal pleasure. People join together in cultural traditions, or simply lazily enjoy a day of repreive from working the cash register at Wal-Mart. In fact, some customs or traditions are so important that even the US government sets aside special federal holidays to observe them. Japan, is no different. Though one receives a bird's eye view into the culture and nature of a country by examining its holidays.

While America allots 10 federal holidays each year, Japan awards its citizens with 15 (not including bank holidays). While it may seem that Japan has taken a more laisez-faire approach to work; it's simply the opposite. Either for that post Super Bowl hangover, or a family vacation to Disney World, Americans utilize each and every one of their vacation days. Though the Japanese are less prone to taking advantage of their ねんきゅ (nenkyu / official vacation days). Therefore, federal holidays are a blessing and award the Japanese with a guilt-free day of relaxation or travel. Interestingly, Japan even blocks together groups of holidays in order to promote extended vacations. For example, early May is 'Golden Week' with three consecutive holidays (Constitution Memorial Day, Greenery Day, and Children's Day). In addition, any day that falls between two holidays is called こくみんのきゅうじつ (kokumin no kyūjitsu / citizen's day) and becomes a holiday. This occured recently in September of 2009, with 'Silver Week' where the Japanese enjoyed three consecutive holidays.

Born and raised American, each year I look forward to several cultural celebrations including Halloween, St. Patricks Day, and Easter. Though outside of Thanksgiving and Christmas, American federal holidays seldom coincide with these celebrations. The same is true with Japan, as they to have several celebrations coinciding with Chinese, shinto, buddhist tradition, or American-infusions such as Valentines Day.

Though the personalities of each country shine through looking the nature of the holidays. America, a relatively young nation, allots most of of their days to respecting or preserving historical dates and figures. For example, Columbus Day, Washington's birthday and Martin Luther King Jr. Day are set aside to observe and respect instrumental figures in American history. In a sense, American holidays seem dull and dry and fail to recognize the true culture of modern society.

Japan also pays homage to its history with National Foundation Day, Shōwa Day, Constitution Memorial Day, and the Emperor's Birthday. Although several days are used to respect one another and to connect with nature. For example, Coming of Age Day, Children's Day, and Respect for the Aged Day are not 'Hallmark' holidays but rather a special time to spend time with or commemorate groups of people. Other days such as the Vernal and Autumnal Equinox, Sea Day, Greenery Day, Sports Day show Japan's oneness with nature.

I can't help but give Japan the win when it comes to holidays. While I agree that individuals such as Columbus, Washington, and King Jr. are worthy of praise, I'd rather sick with monuments or 'unofficial' observances. A country that prides itself on diversity doesn't even have a holiday devoted to culture, unlike Japan a country notorious for its homogenous population.


2010 JAPAN PUBLIC HOLIDAYS

1月1日
Shogatsu
New Year's Day

1月11日
Seijin no hi
Coming of Age Day

2月11日
Kenkoku kinenbi
National Foundation Day

3月21日
Shunbun no hi
Spring Equinox

4月29日
Shōwa no hi
Shōwa Day

5月3日
Kenpou kinenbi
Constitution Memorial Day

5月4日
Midori no hi
Greenery Day

5月5日
Kodomo no hi
Children's Day

7月19日
Umi no Hi
Sea Day

9月20日
Keirou no hi
Respect for the Aged Day

9月23日
Shuubun no hi
Autumn Equinox

10月11日
Taiiku no hi
Sports Day

11月3日
Bunka no hi
Culture Day

11月23日
Kinrou kansha no hi
Labor Thanksgiving Day

12月23日
Tennou tanjoubi
Emperor's Birthday

Source:

WIKIPEDIA: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Public_holidays_in_Japan

Express Yourself

"One must not be mean with the affections; what is spent of the fund is renewed in the spending itself."

- Sigmud Freud

Japan is flooded with vending machines full of curious liquids. But the islanders of the Orient don’t limit themselves to beverages, as they specialize in bottling their affections for one another. While in America, PDA, Puke-ish Displays of Affection, can get quite out of hand, my eyes wouldn't mind spying some cutesy cheek kisses, a slow motion back pat, or even a dreaded HUG!

Some will argue that this is not the way of the Japanese, but those who think such things are stupid. Humans have emotions, and we need to allow these emotions to go outside and play with others to forge a strong, safe, and economically viable neighborhood.

Today while laboriously pretending to look laborious, I saw something. I was gluing cut out pictures of ‘Before/After’ weight loss pictures to my Magazine Ad Scrapbook when something arrived in the coffee corner. In fact, two things arrived. Two ladies to be exact, and who just happen to be the school’s most smoking specimens: the gym teacher and the janitor. No joke! In America, those two jobs would be filled by overweight, single mother, post-divorce, screw the world (literally), or dykish (they are often too ugly to be referred to as lesbians) type of loser. But here in Japan, oh boy are they niiiiiiiiice! In fact, they are so cute I just want to encase them in a plastic bubble and glue it to a cardboard backing to hang ‘em off a hook in a toy store.

It is a known fact to anyone with male anatomy, that the gym teacher and the janitor are friends. Just as the hotties with bodies stick together in America, they also follow this trend in Japan. Normally these two just snicker, chuckle, and flicker their eye-lashes at one other. But not today. Having returned from winter vacation, it had been quite a spell since our divine beauties had seen each other. So when the gym teacher realized she was standing in front of the janitor (perhaps she was occupied glancing at my laboriousness), she jumped up and down with her feet never leaving the ground, and her smile grew to the size of a mutant banana. She was exploding with emotion but with no vent to escape she imploded in a static fright. She wanted to share her emotions with her sexy mop carrying friend, but realizing they were Japanese, she couldn’t. Even the heavens knew a hug was in order. I swear I saw a shadow of one forming before it dissipated into a trail of lonely dust. So instead the bubbly gym teacher hit the janitor. Yep. Instead of a kiss, rub, pat, hug, or pillow fight, her fist rode an invisible wave of wind and smacked the custodial engineer in the arm. It was an unbearable sight and immediately I rushed for a tissue. How can Japan be so cruel? Why can’t two mature adults, in this case gorgeous women, physically express their affections while I munch on Ritz crackers?

It’s depressing to think that these ladies and all of Japan’s ladies (even the ugly ones) will forever be forced to bottle up their emotions. But they’re not the only ones losing out, what about the fellas? Of course we want to see women bond together in a moment of expressive physical harmony. It just boggles my mind that a Japanese woman will spend hours assembling the cutest outfit, masking her already beautiful face in a mirage of makeup, and even on the train still sits in front of a mirror applying foundation to make herself feel important, but we can’t even allow her to feel comfortable enough to hug her friend?

Though, I’m not one to complain. I’m one that creates solutions. So when you see me in a local Uni-Qlo or any other fine Japanese retailer, please assist me in choosing the perfect jean-skirt, stockings, and knee-high boots. Because I’m going in. I will become a woman, be-friend other women, and then yes that’s right, I will show my ‘plutonic’ affections for them with a little PDA baby, but wait..as I finish typing, I can hear whispers crawling out from the copy room. Those quiet words are owned by the gym teacher and the janitor. Perhaps they have vacationed to a more private location to showcase their love for one another? If this is the case, I’m happy for them, and can’t wait to install a video camera.

Bless Me

Life abroad isn't easy to adjust too. But that's what makes it fun. With each encounter, you not only pickup something new but you're able to re-evaluate your native culture. Though forget language, food and holidays, the major differences between cultures rest within simple everyday things. For example, adjusting from the western handshake to bowing in Japan. While, I've obeyed the "When in Rome" creed, there is one stateside custom I refuse to abandon.

In America, when family, friends, or even the perverted crossing guard sneezes, we bestow upon them good faith by saying "Bless You," "God Bless You" (guilt-ridden sinners), or "Gesundheit" (morons). But if you dare to neglect performing this selfless public gesture, then prepare to meet your doom. According to a study I made up, 21.8% of all divorce cases can be traced to a spouse refusing to properly "bless" the other.

Though, it pains me, like a bag of full of black jelly beans, to inform you that the Japanese have no equivalent. Like most native wildlife, blessings are no where to be found in Japan. Sure, they'll take off their shoes, ask permission to begin eating, and will even bring you strange little tarts from EVERY PLACE they visit, but don't expect a gram of sympathy when your antibodies ready for war.

Instead of moral support following a sneeze, the Japanese instead adorn a medical mask and sneer at you until you act like a monkey and copy them. Sure it makes sense to prevent the spreading of germs, but it lacks love. And I am one mountain of a lovely man!

But don't be afraid, 'Bless You Man' is here to make a crappy attempt to save the day!

In the hallway, when a student ejects the boogers... "Bless you!"

In the office when a co-worker eight desks down nasally vomits... "Bless you!"

In the adjacent bathroom stall a guy sneezes... "BLESS YOU!"

According to fantasy stats, I'm shooting 96% accuracy within a 1km range. Metrically speaking, that ain't too shabby! Though sadly, my determination is often met with light chuckling, and not one Japanese person has stepped forward with a bless you of their own. And believe me, I blow into those tissues like a Nazi blowing up a kosher deli. While my comrads may view me as stubbornly wasting my time, they are simply blind to the potential of a fully integrated blessing system.

But today reality came sloshing down like boogers from a sick child. An hour before lunch my stomach was growling to be fed. Hearing the gastric cries my supervisor turned to me and said, "Bless you."

Exactly... "bless me!"

Pain in the Arts

There's a reason I don't teach kindergarten. While my personality ideally matches that of an energetic, yappy, and 元気 (げんき / genki), jovial/happy, youngster, there’s something my body wasn’t built for: Arts & Crafts. I’m clumsy, lack patience, I certainly don’t stay in the lines, and my feeble fingers shake like I’m in rehab. I'll gladly stroll through an arts & crafts show, but you won’t find me behind a booth.

Our (humans) brains are either wired internally to their physical body or externally to their soul merging with the outside world. The former makeup the world’s athletes and salarymen. While the latter is where I fit in nicely. This is the land of the thinkers and 夢想家 (むそうか / musouka), dreamers. When your brain is too busy contemplating an ice cream stand on a purple cloud, it can’t accurately orchestrate the maneuvering of muscles needed to move you eleven yards ahead to leap, and catch the ball while safely landing on the ground. Being an extreme imaginataur (a cute little name I came up with), this also rules out arts & crafts. Though doesn’t mean I shy away from torturing myself.

So during the dismal darkness of winter when opportunity came knocking, eleven of us 怪人 (がいじん / gaijin), foreigners opened the door to brighten our lives with our own personal Nebuta float.

Aomori’s Nebuta 祭り (祭り / matsuri), festival, is the premier summer celebration in northern Honshu. Picture a nighttime Macy’s Day Thanksgiving parade where gigantic illuminated paper floats march through the streets alongside flutes, Taiko drums and heaps of leaping volunteers clad in an unusual Haneto costume.

Besides growing りんご (ringo), apples the size of a giant's fist, Nebuta is Aomori's claim to fame. While I have joined the parade, I had no experience in creating one of the magical floats. Consequently, it was only natural that I immersed myself in this rich tradition. Early Saturday morning, we cracked our knuckles and gave out a ceremonial yawn as famed Nebuta artist, 木村明 (Kimura Akira), trained us to mold, craft, and paint a Nebuta float patterned after the face of who we believe to be the Japanese warrior, Saitō Musashibō Benkei.

HANDS ON

The mundane adventure begins.

The journey towards creation involved seven crucial, pain-staking, phases:

1.) MOLD: Using a mapped out cheat sheet, we framed the body of the float by bending and twisting metal wires like they were on the dance floor. My fragile fingertips did not appreciate this activity.

THE WIRE

Crave & Chris showing off their steel frames

2.) GLUE: Finishing the skeleton frame, we cut individual pieces of paper and glue them on forming the skin.

3.) EAT: Without a sandwich of doubt, lunch was where I shined the most!

4.) PENCIL: Before painting the face of our float, we sketched the design. I should have spent more time on this.

5.) PAINT: While we had a sample to mimic, many of us renewed our creative licenses by adding protruding tongues, piercings or in my case, lipstick kiss stains on the cheek and forehead.

THE MASTER

Kimura-Sensei's shows 'this is how we do it!'

6.) WATCH: In the 'this doesn't make any sense' moment of the day, a professional electrician was hired to come in and install light bulbs inside our floats.

7.) POSE: Fat ladies are rare in Japan so nothing is over until a group photo is taken.

JOB SOMEWHAT WELL DONE

Cultures conveniently collide culminating an enjoyable day of Arts & Crafts.

While I thought we would be out the door before 1pm, most of us struggled to complete our 'apprenticepieces’ before 5pm. The work was miserable, but in the end I have something gloriously awful to show off! Now whenever someone attempts to drag me off to an All-Night Knitting Party, I simply show them ‘Mr. Casual’ and they understand my pain. Arts & Crafts are a wonderful diversion for many, but in my case I’ll let it float on to the next person.

BOY & HIS TOY

Just like what a parent says about their child, 'It may not be pretty, but it's mine!"

Special thanks to Chris, Tesia, and Christy for assistance with this experience and post.

Piece of Cake

“It’s a piece of cake until you get to the top.
You find you can’t stop playing the game the way you’ve always played it.”
- Richard M. Nixon

The odds were stacked against me. I decided to teach my students slang.

Now, being an elite academic institution, 青森高校 (あおもりこうこう / aomori koko), Aomori High School’s students drown themselves in pride. While their vocabulary reaches into four digit territory, they are painfully はずかしがり (hazukashigari), shy. They would rather pretend they were frozen, as if staring into the eyes of Medusa, than to risk uttering an incorrect response.

Unfortunately, as is the case with most Japanese 生徒 (せいと / seito), students, mine exclusively orate the “hello / I’m fine / see you” package. I find this outrageously mundane. Personally, the conversations are so scripted and boring. Consequently, it’s rumored I now hold the Guinness Record for longest yawn. The students’ robotic lack of voice may fly in Japan, but not in my imaginative world.

While I’m aware my knowledge of Japanese is as if I were a four year old Forrest Gump: by using Japanese スラング (surangu), slang, I surprise and delight the natives. I’ve made it a goal to learn trendy phrases alongside the basics. For example, instead of おいしい (oishii), delicious, I’ll say 超うまい (ちょううまい / chou umai), the trendy way to say extremely tasty. Whenever I utter a ‘slang’ phrase, it has the same effect as a Japanese exchange student in America saying, “Damn son, cheq out dat a$$.” It may not be appropriate, but it’s unexpected, and people stick around for more.

My patented lethal weapon though is へのかっぱ (he no kappa), which translates into ‘piece of cake.’ Which is exactly what I thought it would be to instill the coolness of slang into the working vocabularies of my esteemed students.

Though the process is ongoing, I’m constantly reviewing the long list of かっこいい (kakkoii), cool, words and phrases with my students. Thankfully, “hello” is now an endangered species with “what’s up?” and “heya” spreading like wildfire. While “see you” is a stubborn beast, I hear enough of “Have a nice day” and “take care” to keep my faith in the program. Overall, the greetings, manners, and reactions seem to be moving in quite nicely. Though, idioms remain a challenge.

Enter Mr. Fun, a 2年生 (ねんせい / nensei), 2nd year, student in class 2-3. He’s a short man sporting a tan complexion and styled hair that smoothly slopes down his forehead like a pointed spear. I knew he was something out of the ordinary when during 文化祭 (ぶんかさい / bunkasai), school culture festival, he wore a Miami Dolphins jersey. While a common garment of fashion in the states, you’re as likely to see a NFL jersey on a Japanese person as you are to find middle aged men engrossed in a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos at the barbershop. Sure it happens, but you’re delightfully shocked every time. Especially when that student is adorned in the attire of the 敵 (てき / teki), enemy, of your hometown favorite Buffalo Bills.

So of course I took notice of this なぞめいた (nazomeita), enigmatic, young man. What I discovered was as uplifting as Reese’s Pieces at the bottom of an ice cream sundae. Mr. Fun was no robot. He was an individual: one who wore his name with a smile.

After exposing students to ‘holy moly,’ he single handily branded it as his class’s catchphrase. Every time I’d walk by the 教室 (きょうしつ / kyoushitsu), classroom, chants of ‘holy moly!’ emitted from random students. While it wasn’t always used properly, I basked in the glory of their efforts.

Though when Mr. Fun became rather fond of, ‘piece of cake,’ concern clouded the glory. No matter what I said, Mr. Fun responded with ‘piece of cake.’

“What’s up?” / “It’s a piece of cake.”
“See you next class.” / “Piece of cake!”

Quickly, I felt as though Mr. Fun was mocking me. “Holy moly,” I thought. I didn’t earn an English Education degree from Boston University, inspire Florida high school students for five years, earn my National Board Certification, and take the time to instill coolness in these robots to inherit a bully. “Oh hell nah!”

Consequently, as the ‘pieces of cake’ arrived, they were met with constructive criticism. “Funny, but that’s NOT when you use that phrase,” I said. It appeared as though his ‘slang-parade’ would never improve. Though as the weeks jogged by, I noticed something: Mr. had lost his Fun. He no longer uttered 'holy moly,' 'see ya later alligator,' let alone 'piece of cake.'

“What happened?” I wondered. While this would have proven a perfect chance for a ‘teachable moment’ I had three messages in my Facebook inbox dying to be read. So I forgot about him.

Until recently, when visiting the downtown library I saw someone. It was him. He sat at a table with two classmates not more than 100 footsteps away. While public conversations with students are difficult due to their shyness and limited oral abilities, I opted to give it a try. Peering down at their papers, I noticed they were studying for an upcoming English exam. “Are you studying English?” I asked.

The classmates were sluggishly processing a response when Mr. Fun looked up, extended his thumb and said, “It’s a piece of cake.” And for the first time, it was.

I Can Dream About You

“Nothing happens unless first we dream.”
– Carl Sandberg

As a stereotypical American, 英語 (えいご / eigo), English, is my one and only language. Consequently, just like a Hollywood movie, my dreams are exclusively in English, regardless of the presence of foreigners.

Though last year, a fellow Aomori JET was delighted to have his very first ‘Japanese Dream.’ This meant in the ゆめ (yume), dream, Japanese was both spoken and understood; subtitles not included. For many of us studying 日本語 (にほんご / nihongo) Japanese, such a dream is a rite of passage. It proves your absorption of the language has saturated your reality to where it flows into the 潜在意識 (せんざいいしき / senzaiishiki), subconscious mind. I marveled at this anomaly and hoped to one day experience the same.

Several months had passed and without even a speck of ‘dreamy Japanese,’ envy crawled its way into my confidence. “Where was the Japanese in my dreams?” Clearly, I had only myself to blame. And it was time for self-reflection. Upon looking in the mirror I realized not only that I was quite handsome but that my Japanese ability was equivalent to that of an 8 month old baby! So I hit the books.

I’ve been studying like it’s the only way to get laid. And thus, last night it happened. My ‘Japanese Dream’ cherry was popped! Now, I won’t lie. It wasn’t the grandest display of Japanese, but it was there in some barbaric form.

In this particular installment, I was on vacation in my hometown of Buffalo. An old friend, Jimmy Wong, and I were paying a visit to the zoo when a group of Asian people approached us. They spoke in broken English and an unrecognizable muttered language. Which is a result of my 脳 (のう / nou), brain’s, inability to produce literal Asian dialects. It wasn’t until they uttered the words, ‘Bill Cosby’ were we aware of their intentions. They had two extra tickets for Bill Cosby’s performance later that night. Why he chose Buffalo on his deathbed tour is beside the point. Upon seeing the \16000 ($160) plus amount, Jimmy and I both knew our wallets weren’t thick enough. But then it dawned on me, “These mutha f***ers are Japanese!”

Just like in 事実 (じじつ / jijitsu), reality, I take full advantage of embarrassing myself when encountering a native of my host country. I uttered “日本人ですか” a simple way of asking, “Are you Japanese.” After they nodded, I said I was from Aomori. But folks, this was a tuff crowd. There was no surprise, respect, or laughter. Not even a smile escaped them when I said “私は変な人です” (watashi wa henna hito desu), meaning “I am a strange person.” I’m guessing that just like earlier, my subconscious was incapable of generating Japanese that I could respond to, let alone understand. But at least as a 夢想家 (むそうか / musou-ka) dreamer, I have a goal. I can’t wait until I have a dream entirely in Japanese. But then again it’s just a dream.

Englishanese: Round 12

It's All in the Name
The fan that gets on its knees!



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BULLSEYE
I love choicing!



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Hmmm
I'm afraid to see what the "Little Riding Hood" costume looks like.



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Kawaii Desu
A cute costume for an ugly girl.